Fuller Wiser

Here I sit, awaiting my fate.

In an hour and a half, I will sit down with my wife and a doctor whom we will pay to listen to us. We will emerge from this experience with either a more or less healthy relationship. At the very least, we will know more than we did when we entered.

I’m more worked up about it today than I have been because yesterday’s session with my own private shrink seemed to point in the direction of me not being the crazy one. I don’t suppose I had fully accepted that I might not be the chief obstacle to our relationship working until I heard someone with a degree say it.

While I realize that I have indeed been a giant pain in the posterior from time to time in our 10 years of marriage, I do believe I’m correct in suggesting that our current troubles would be best assessed by examining the current situation, not the entire bloody 10-year span.

Whoever we’ve been at various times in the last decade, we are now who we are now. I have resolved to show absolutely no tolerance for rehashing old conflicts fought under old circumstances by people whose eyes had not seen all the things that ours now have. If I hear it, I’m shutting it down, and I no longer think that makes me the asshole. I want to fix our present situation, not wade torturously through layers of mud laid down by two young idiots with illusions of marital immortality.

Thus, this session will likely be different than the one we attempted last March, wherein I watched 10 years’ worth of history pass by whilst the problems of the present day went unaddressed. I realize that the therapist wasn’t there for the whole thing. I’m perfectly willing to provide a synopsis. But it should be brief, followed immediately thereafter by the current state of affairs.

I’m angry now. It’s probably not the best frame of mind to be in prior to an attempt at reconciliation, but I’m extremely concerned that we will emerge from this session none the wiser, after which two weeks of meaningful silences and sleepless nights will ensue. It’s why I have Xanax, and I really don’t want to be a lifetime customer.